i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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