I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
