I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
