I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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