I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
