I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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