The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
