Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
