So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
