If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
