if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize