remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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