you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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