It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
