Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
