Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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