If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
