the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
