Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
