I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
