Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
