The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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