how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Four minutes until I can fart!
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
