imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
