my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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