I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
