I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
