you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
