what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
