i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I need water and some morals
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
