Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
