Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
