It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
