Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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