Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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