so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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