I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
