my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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