sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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