I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
