The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
