genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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