Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
