Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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