you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
