someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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