Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
where are my eyebrows?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
