he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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