It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
