The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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