I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
