i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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